Values Elicitation: How to Find What Really Drives Someone

In NLP, values are the criteria a person uses to judge whether something is good, worth doing or worth leaving. They are usually expressed as abstract nouns — freedom, recognition, security, challenge — and they operate as a hierarchy. Knowing that someone values both freedom and security tells you little. Knowing which one gives way under pressure tells you a great deal.

NLP values elicitation is the process of recovering that hierarchy from the person’s own language and behaviour, without supplying the words for them. It is always tied to a context: career, a relationship, money, a particular team. Values in one context can differ sharply from another, so the first step is to name the one you are working in.

The broader model, including how values relate to beliefs and decision patterns, is on the Values framework page.

Use the person’s own words throughout. Write down every value they name, exactly as they say it, before you move on.

1. Set the context. “I’d like to understand what matters to you in your work.” Keep the context the same for the whole sequence.
2. Open the list. “What’s important to you about your work?” Accept the first answer without comment.
3. Keep it open. “And what else is important to you about your work?” Repeat until the answers slow down. Most people give five to eight before they stop.
4. Recover the buried values with a threshold question. “What would have to happen for you to leave a job, even one you mostly liked?” The answers often name values that were not mentioned, because people notice their values most clearly when those values are violated.
5. Find the motivating values. “And what would have to happen for you to stay, even when you’re tempted to go?” This surfaces what holds the person in place.
6. Check the meaning of each word. “When you say ‘recognition’, how would you know you had it?” Two people can use the same word for different experiences.

Asking someone to “put these in order” usually produces the order they think is admirable. Pairwise comparison works better because it forces a choice between two concrete alternatives.

• Compare each value with each of the others, or at least with its neighbours. Keep a tally of which one wins each time.
• If the person says “I need both”, accept it and ask again: “I understand. If you had to give one up, which would it be?”
• Watch for hesitation. A quick answer usually means a clear gap in the hierarchy. A long pause, or a change of posture, means the two values are close and both deserve attention.
• Read the final order back and ask: “Does that feel right?” If the person corrects it, use their correction.

Stated values are what a person says matters. Operational values are what their choices show matters. The two often diverge, and the gap is usually where the useful work is. To test a stated value, ask for behavioural evidence:

• “Tell me about the last time you had to choose between X and Y. What did you actually do?”
• “Where does your time go in a typical week? What gets protected when you’re busy?”
• “When did you last turn down something because of this value? What did it cost you?”
• “What would someone who watched you for a month say you care about most?”

If a person ranks growth first but has turned down two promotions to keep a predictable schedule, you do not need to argue with either fact. Lay them side by side and ask what they notice. That observation is often more useful than the ranking itself.

The following is an illustration of how the sequence runs with someone weighing a job offer. It is composite, not a real client.

Autonomy (“a say in how I work”) and trust were never named in the opening list, yet they decided the last career move. The new offer can now be judged against the hierarchy as it operates — autonomy, trust, meaningful work, then interesting problems and pay — rather than against the list the client started with.

Once you know someone’s values in a context, you can frame what you say in their criteria rather than yours. The content stays honest; the framing becomes relevant.

• Feedback. For a person who values quality: “This draft is close to the standard you set for yourself; two sections fall short of it.” The criticism is the same. It now points at something they already care about.
• Negotiation. Ask both parties the same values elicitation questions about the deal. Many deadlocks turn out to be a clash of hierarchies — speed against certainty, say — and can be resolved by trading on values rather than on price.
• Hiring. Ask candidates “What would have to happen for you to leave a role?” and compare the answers with what the role really involves. A candidate who would leave over close supervision and a role with daily sign-offs is a predictable early exit.

The line between influence and manipulation is whether the other person would agree with the framing if they saw exactly what you were doing. Using someone’s values to make a true point land is communication. Using them to sell something that works against those values is manipulation.

• Leading questions. “Is security important to you?” produces agreement, not information. Keep questions open and let the person supply every word.
• Accepting labels at face value. “Respect” or “balance” can mean very different things. Always ask how they would know they had it.
• Mixing contexts. Moving between work, family and money in one elicitation produces a list that belongs to no context. Finish one before starting another.
• Ranking too early. Rank only once the list has slowed down and the threshold questions have been asked.
• Interpreting for the person. Your job is to make the hierarchy visible, not to tell someone what their values should be.

Values elicitation can touch personal material quickly. Ask permission before you start, tell the person they can decline any question, and keep notes confidential. It is a coaching and communication method, not therapy; if distress or clinical issues come up, refer to a qualified professional.

To practise on yourself first, use the free Values Inventory and the Values Wheel. For structured worksheets and session scripts, see the Values Elicitation Toolkit.